Early Life --
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so - Written by Anna Bartlett Warner 1860
I grew up in the church. My family went every Sunday to the (Black) United Methodist Church in Milford, OH. Between the ages of 5-10 I was in the church building at least 3 days a week. Every Sunday morning for 9am Sunday School 11am church service and until my Mother stopped talking. One of my first public performances was standing on a table in front of the congregation when I was 3-5yrs old singing "Jesus Loves Me." Though it could've been "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam;" my 5 year-old memory is hazy. Apparently before I was born (there is a 8 year gap between me and my closest sister, so I heard this phrase a lot) there were times when we stayed home if someone was sick. There were rare times when we would have Sunday breakfast and skip Sunday school. But most every Sunday we were in the pews. Wednesday nights were choir rehearsals and Saturdays were committee meetings. I would spend Saturday afternoons watching The Greatest Adventure and playing with The Whole Amor of God. If there were other kids at the committee meetings we would lay under the tables in the choir room (it had carpet) and play astronaut, play Red Light- Green Light, Mother May I, or just make up funny songs and dances.
I was very aware of expectations and did my best to live up to them. Which is pretty easy when you are 5. A little less easy when I was 7-10yrs old. According to Sexual Behavior in the Human Female I am on the early part of the curve when it comes to starting masturbate. All of sudden Sunday School songs become more sinister and shamey. "Be careful little hands what you do. Be careful little hands what you do. Because the father up above is looking down on you with love. Be careful little hands what you do." All of a sudden everything I did was a sin. According to Ravi Zacharias, one of the preachers we would sometimes listen to while driving home from Sunday Dinner with grandmother, anything that glorified the flesh and not God was a sin. I didn't feel that playing outside really glorified God. Plus you start learning all about unforgivable sins and that's another stressor. The fact that I was an anxious kid probably didn't help. I did my best to do what was expected of me. I was: in children's choir, an acolyte, leader of the children's story. I didn't question much, and one day when my best church friend told me to "go up there" during an alter call I did.
Age of Reason--
Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart. - Written by Dan Schutte 1981.
Around 10-11 years old is when I started getting in to the politics, philosophy and history of being a United Methodist. One reason was my confirmation into the church. But this is also the age that my mother went to seminary to start her Masters of Divinity. I would sometimes go to her classes and look through her books. My Methodist upbringing did a pretty good job of instilling the need to educate ones-self about the Bible. I knew there were different translations and would sometimes read from my mother's Strong's Concordance of the Bible which discusses different translations of different parts. It was a big thing when our church changed from the New King James version to the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. I admit I would sometimes parrot what I heard our preacher say in my mother's classes, but I was getting oohs and ahhs from the adults so I still felt good about it. I knew we were founded by John Wesley who had some very different views than his other Protestant colleagues.
I started going to Connections, which was a United Methodist Church Arts Camp for 1 week over the summer. Teens could major in liturgical dance, drama, song, christian clowning, preaching and audio visual. There were minors in miming, banner making, American Sign Language and poetry. Connections was for High schoolers but my mom was a counselor so I got to go for the first time when I was 10 and it was my sister's last year. Ages 12-17 I went to Connections Every summer. It was one of the highlights of my summer. Though we progressed from hiding in the basement reading "Song of Solomon" and giggling about the dirty parts of the bible, to hiding on the 3rd floor and mixing drinks during FOYOB (Feet On Your Own Bunk), we were all pretty good kids. Unlike the stories my sister told, no one was pregnant after our Connections Weeks. Connections was all about a loving God and loving one another. There was a Designated Hugger and that is where I got my Doctorate of Hugs. There was Jerry who was one of the counselors who was gay and had AIDS and we loved him anyway. It was at connections where I felt God. We were all gathered together one evening after dinner and I knew that everyone in that room loved me. It felt like my skin was buzzing and I was warm all over. Connections started one year before my Brother went in 1983 and ended one year after I left in 1999. This is honestly a bit of a tragedy.
Around 10-12 is also when I started going to the Annual Conference. Methodist are - Method-ists so every year they get together and create the "Book of Recommendations" which every church should do. It was at annual conference that I heard people debating whether you could call God, Sophia, or is this a separate entity. Should the Methodist Church apologize for their participation in slavery or table it for another year? Should openly gay people be allowed to be ordained and lead a church? Like the translations of the Bible I realized that all these decisions were just made by people and some pretty flawed decisions could be made that were not based in love.
The Teen Years - -
Listen as the day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
--
Harald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Trying to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Other's have a different view
My oh my, yeah, yeah, yeah - Written by Des'ree 1994
Growing up in Cincinnati I always had people of different faiths around me. In my kindergarten we celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas as well as Easter and Passover. I loved mythology and read Greek, Roman and Egyption myths through middle school. I often babysat for the Jewish couple next door on the Holy days and got Matzah Ball Soup as a part of my payment. The year wasn't complete until I had gone to Synagogue and Mass at least once. My best friend in high school was raised both Hindu and Catholic which added a whole new set of deities to start to understand. One of the hardest concepts for me in Christianity was "The Great Commission."
This felt more like "Go out into the world and tell them that everyone else is wrong." At this point I had been to too many Seders and Shabbats to feel that this was the right action. It became more complicated when I started to go to Navratri and Diwali celebrations as well. My mother had started her time as a associate minister at a large suburban mostly white church. The senior minister often preached on Grace, but this seemed to directly contradict other parts of the Bible. By auditing some of the confirmation classes at the new church where we discussed the differences between Methodists, Catholics, Muslims and Quakers. This brought up more questions than answers.
They all deserve to die.
Tell you why Mrs Lovett, Tell you why.
'Cause the life of the wicked should be made brief,
For the rest of us death will be a relief - Stephen Sondheim "Sweeney Todd- Epiphany" 1979
Love's in need of Love today
Don't delay send yours in right away
Hate's going 'round breaking many hearts
Stop it please before it's gone too far. - Stevie Wonder, Love's in Need of Love Today 1967
Junior & Senior Year
My Junior and Senior year were marked with an uptick in religious events and activities. At this point I was pretty sure this was just to try to keep all the hormones in check. Which wasn't really a problem with my group of friends. I had Connections as I did for one week in the summer and it was still a wonderful comforting place. Though at this point it was more for the bonds I had with the other campers than anything else. Escaping during FOYOB (Feet on your own bunk, AKA when the counselors were napping or meeting) to go the top floor of the dorm and hang out talking about geeky things and deciding if we were brave enough to mix drinks. We were not.
My mother was also getting a Masters in Religious Communication as well as her Masters in Divinity. At this point I was reading and editing her papers as well as critiquing her sermons on a regular basis. An interesting thing happens when you being to critique religious writings; you start really looking at everything with a critical eye. I already loved science and the scientific method since the age 8. I began to see more contradictions and less coherency in the bible as well as its teachings. Aside from trying to keep my mother from using SNAFU and FUBAR in sermons (She didn't know they were acronyms that included curses), I started to listen to everyone's sermons and see lack of context and cherry picking. These careful listening skills and critique skills would continue to help me in my scientific reading and writing as well as make me really critical of what people of faith said and did.
There was also UN/DC a biannual event where the West Ohio Conference of United Methodist Youth took a trip to either NY or DC to talk about an international or national issue. Our year we went to DC stayed in Dupont Circle and talked about "Sexuality A-Z." This was actually an amazing trip. We got to hang out at some youth centers and had multiple sessions which really made us figure out what our definitions of sex and sexuality were. We also saw some "Transformation Gay" programs and I noted how they would condemn someone in one verse but disregard the verse afterward that said they should not cut their sideburns. They clearly cherry-picked the bible to justify cruelty and hate. I definitely understood why people in the GLBT community (now GLBTQIA) would leave religion.
My senior year I also was able to go to Chrysalis. This is a teen version of an adult retreat called "Walk to Emmaus." It was three days of bible study and self reflection. Doing different parts of the weekend you were to write down a character trait or sin. Nail it to a cross and then they were burned as a symbol of Jesus taking on this burden. One of the last days we walked through the church which was lined with people holding candles and were given a box of letters from friends and family to read while meditating in front of the cross now clean of all the nails.
--- So this could've been a powerful experience if I hadn't been to Connections so may times. I really felt like this 3 day weekend was trying to fabricate a feeling that did not come up organically. I had never met these people and had little connection to them. I liked receiving the letters but the knowledge that all these people were depending on me to have some change or new commitment was uncomfortable. There are also people praying for you each hour of the weekend which I also found stressful. (Actually we know that people who know they are prayed for tend to fair worse in healthcare.) It was around now that I started to come up with my Purple Blanket concept. Since technically God is neither male nor female, I saw God as a warm Purple blanket that comforts and covers me in time of need. I articulated this to one of my Mother's Prayer Group friends and she seemed quite dismayed, but this seemed to match the most with what I felt. I pretty much tabled the whole Jesus thing until later. I mean Pascal's Wager is still a thing right.
College -
Here come the sun, little Darling
Here comes the sun
and I say
It's alright.
Little Darling,
It's been a long cold lonely winter
and
Little Darling
It feels like years since it's been here
but
Here comes the sun. -Written by George Harrison 1969, as performed by Nina Simone 1971
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I look to the children, I drank from the fountain.
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line,
And the less I seek my source for some definitive,
The closer I am to fine. - Indigo Girls 1989
College was interesting. For the first time in my life I didn't have someone waking me up and taking me to church. By the time I came along (8 years difference between my sibs and I) church every Sunday was a given. We would go even if I or one of us was sick. Apparently this didn't happen according all the time when they were young according to the lore of my older sibs. Now, I did have a cousin who was in Seminary also at Emory. The deal was if he picked me up for church I got a Sunday Dinner after. Who would say no to Sunday dinner? He was doing his student preaching at a Disciples of Christ Church. I knew a lot of denominations, but this one was new to me. This one had way less tests. Rather than having to prove your baptism (Methodist) and by a certain way (Baptist) and taken classes (Catholics), you just have to say you believe in Jesus and you are in. "No creed but Christ" is often what they say. They were much more on the Grace and Love train.
For part of Freshman year I was apart of the Gospel Choir "Voices" at Emory. We visited many churches which I found questionable (an armchair on the pulpit, or only pictures of the founder in the sanctuary). It also seemed another place where there was a lot of performance. Students would whip themselves into a frenzy crying and singing at the rehearsals. That just wasn't me, or some of my friends luckily. The same folks who would whip into a frenzy were also the same ones being questionable at the frat party on Saturday night. The whole thing seemed again another way to keep young people out of trouble, with rehearsal on Friday night and Sunday morning engagements. It was a bit of a scandal if you were seen at the Frat party Saturday night but didn't come to the engagement Sunday morning. Again, it seemed performative.
I also got involved with some of the Youth programs there now as a leader. I found that the "Adults" didn't really seem to have an understanding of what Youth needed. One time assisting in a youth program in Cincinnati I felt like I was batting clean up after everything the actual minister said. He was harping on about obedience to God and your parents (basically lecturing these church youth). I had to come up after and note that God could be a source of love, comfort and protection when you feel like it is not coming from anywhere else (Purple Blanket concept). Sometime between Freshman year and Sophomore year my cousin realized that I fell asleep in church a lot and he said it was okay to stay home. He also graduated and I did help out at his church occasionally.
But over all going to church just didn't seem that important for me. I would go to my mother's church in the summer so she felt supported. I would go help with my cousin's church to support him. But it wasn't really apart of my practice I was pre-med, Neuroscience and Behavioral Biology major, Anthro minor and almost had a second minor in dance. I was pretty busy. The religious critique skills I picked up from going through seminary from my mother led me to question and often disregard some of the religious teachings around me. I also was introduced to yoga and meditation by this point. These I could do on my own time and in my own way. Similar to connections it was about the people, not the actual religion or faith. I was very comfortable with my warm purple blanket concept.
Well that's all for part I. Next time - Peace Corps, India, more education and the ongoing journey.
If you haven't heard some of these songs - check them out.
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