My Faith to Non-Faith Journey- Part II

Part II.   If you didn't read part one you should.   But here is the the same prologue as the last one

I honestly have been back and forth on this particular blog entry even though it was specifically requested. I know religion discussions can get very emotional and isolating.  But after recently listening to the Ebony Exodus Project, I was re-inspired to share my story.  This is loosely based off of a talk I gave in 2014 to the Asheville Humanist Group.  I actually sang the songs that start each section. And just FYI  -- This is super long and written over several sessions.  Here is part II

International Travels 

Well I'd Like to visit the moon,
In a rocket ship high in the air.
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon,
But I don't think I'd like to live there.
While I'd like to look down on the Earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So Although I may like it, for one afternoon
I Don't want to live on the moon.  - 1978 Sesame Street - as sung by Ernie

At the time I went to Peace Corps I was pretty comfortable with my concept of God as a warm comforting presence i.e "The Purple Blanket."   In my going away gifts I got some meditation cards which I was looking forward to using and decided to continue my yoga as I set off to  Ovamboland in northern Namibia.  Remember my problem with "The Great Commission?"  Well the relationship between religion and Namibians was a perfect example.  There were two major religions in our region Lutheran and Roman Catholic.  The Catholic churches actually still said the mass in Latin.  While I could appreciate knowing and understanding what was going on -- thanks catholic school friends and 6 years of latin -- it was very clear that the traditional cultures were buried.  Even the word for Sunday in Oshiwambo was the same for tobacco; because that was the day the missionaries would given them tobacco if they went to church.  The clothing women wore the "Meme dresses," were still in the style given to them by colonizers related to prison clothing.  The Ovambo didn't seem to have taken back their dress in the same way of their sister tribe Ojihereo.  The Ovambo people had a saying "We are born to suffer," that seemed related to fatalism and giving up of both will and responsibility. This worked well with the religions of the missionaries and colonizers.    While I went to church a few times with my host family,  I stopped as soon as it was culturally appropriate to do so.

Peace Corps was also the first time I had long discussions about faith with an atheist. While I had an atheist friend in high school (I think), I never really spent long periods of time discussion religion in high school.  One fellow Peace Corps volunteer who had also lost her mother earlier in life spent an evening talking to me about her lack of faith.  She admitted it was something that she had tried to have many times, especially after her mother died, but she just could not believe.  Here was someone who was lovely, reasonable, and working just as hard as I was for a different people in a different culture who did not have the ability to believe in god.  Clearly she was a good person and in every other way very similar to me.  This definitely made me think.

After I completed my service I got to travel around the continent for a while.  At the time I completed my service I know I had done some good, but also felt very defeated.  The White Male Supremacy which was rampant through the Ovambo culture makes service hard for a Black American Woman.  Add in the fact that many Ovambo at that time didn't think there were any Black Americans (Colin Powell and Alisha Keys were White, Micheal Jackson was Angolan, and Whoopi Goldberg was South African so I was told) and  I was pretty exhausted after two years.  My travels were a great way to get out of my village and culture.  I was able to see how other countries and cultures were not still under the thumb of missionary and colonizing influences.   My time on the continent really showed the harm of Christianity.


Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna
Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare
Hare Rama, Hare Rama,
Rama, Rama, Hare, Hare -- Traditional Hindu Chant

Peace Corps Service had solidified in me a desire to practice medicine, but now I was off the school cycle.  I decided to get back on schedule and expand my skills with the America India Service Corps, now known as the Clinton Fellowship.  -- Aside,  I'm really glad I went when it was the original name. --  I took my MCAT worked for P&G for a summer before heading out for Kolkata, West Bengal.   Kolkata was surreal, and probably a topic for many more blog posts (some of which are still up).  I have never been in a culture where religion was so tied in to every part of life.  One would walk down the street see a shrine.  Say a small prayer of offering and keep going.  There were literally gods for everything (creation, destruction, study, wealth, love) still actively worshiped and incorporated into life.  I participated in the holidays and religious culture.  I did note that Mother Theresa's mission was right next to Kalighat one of the largest temples to Kali in India.   Through my Kathak dance classes (I was with the small children)  I learned how Classical Indian dance had to go underground during the time of British Empire because of its relationship to Hinduism.  I felt fortunate to be welcomed into this culture and honored these beliefs.

While in India is also when I had the second time I felt like I heard god talk to me.  While I was in the states I had reconnected with a friend.  This friend happened to be the first person I had fallen in love with  and for a short time it seemed like we could be more than friends.  But he told me that he had no desire for this to be.  So I was pretty heartbroken for the first few months in Kolkata. I would literally schedule time in my day to cry for an hour or so, then go to the market, finish a project etc.   One time, early in my service, I was riding home in a taxi and making such a plan when out of the blue, it seemed I heard a voice saying,  "Why are you wasting time like this?"  "Don't you know you will find someone better who will better fit your life and your plans?"  This was so abrupt and not at all my current line of thinking that it shocked me.  I knew the statistics.  Black women are often considered the least desirable, and the least likely to get married.  Moreover I knew the statistics from my own family.  Out of 19 grand children (7men and 12women) at that time only one of the guys wasn't married (by choice) and only 2 of the women were.   But here was something telling me that I wouldn't be alone for ever and to stop wasting time crying over what wasn't.   That afternoon I didn't go home and cry but figured out what positive I received from that relationship.   I dated a bit in India and actually started planning my future wedding (positive thinking).  I became more comfortable with my bisexuality and in all left in a much better place than where I started.


Public Health School & Medical School

I am a girl,
I am a woman,
I am connected to earth and sky
I know the secrets they only dream of
Girl you are who you are so am I -  Kindred and the family soul 2003

By the time I left India and started public health school at Ohio State University, I was very comfortable with a very fuzzy, vague god idea.  At this point I did not really believe in the Christian God any more.   The Bible was too contradictory.  Moreover, if the God of the bible was true he didn't deserve to be worshiped.  The relationship between the Christian God and man is abusive to say the least.  There some small stories of cruelty: when God sends bears to eat children because they called Elisha bald, turning a woman into salt for grieving the loss of a city, demanding the devout to kill their children.  The two stories I found most egregious were Job and Pharaoh.   Why would you challenge someone you have already defeated to torture a man  just to prove he will still say he loves you?  That is literally abuse.  If that person was man he would be in jail for intimate partner violence.   My problem with Pharaoh is that God "hardened Pharaoh's heart" which ultimately lead to the death of the first borns and Pharaoh himself.  Now why would God do that unless he just wanted to kill some kids and keep the Jews in slavery longer?   I knew all of the debates about the New Testament from my studies with mom.  There are gospels that are not included in the New Testament.  Paul was always shown to be a bit of a misogynist.  Also historically there are so many Jesus like figures who are Virgin born or died and came back.   There was also the First Council of Nicea who decided Jesus was actually divine.  If that can be decided by council it probably isn't true.

So I was an Agnostic Theist.  I did not know there was a god, but I did believe there was one.  It was clear that we are all interconnected with each other and the universe and that seems very god like.  I started attending a Unitarian Universalist Church which was very accepting open and more about humanism than anything. Though my cousin really wanted me to be Quaker instead, "Because they still believe in Jesus."  I didn't have the heart to tell him not all Quakers do.  My boyfriend, later husband, was Athiest but he would come to UU church with me when I asked. We had lots of conversations.  In one conversation I remember saying that "god is a nice idea."  His question back to me was is god necessary?  Is there anything that I believe in that couldn't be explained by natural means?  This I thought about for a long time.  I didn't believe in ghost, miracles, auras, or prayer.   My concept of god was really just the fact that we are all connected.  Is supernatural needed for this concept?

You say you want a revolution
Well you know,
We all want to change the world.
You tell me that's it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world.
But when you talk about distruction
Don't you know you have to count me out.
You know it's going to be Alright - Beatles, 1968

Changing your concept of religion can feel very isolating.  I became a evangelical(ish) Agnostic Theist.  I noted that technically everyone of every faith is agnostic.  Since being agnostic means you don't know.  If people of faith knew they could not have faith.  Since faith, by definition, means belief in that which is not known.  The short version was "I don't know and you don't know either."  This way I tried to point out our similarities and continue feeling connected to my (very) religious family and some friends.   Meanwhile I was going to Medical School and learning more about the vestiges of evolution that are still present in our development and the fact that if this was design it was poor.  Embryology is pretty much a study in evolution from fish to mammal.   I remember our anatomy teacher pointing out that there are only two blood vessels that feed the heart which he noted was "poor design" and probably the reason for so many heart attacks.   I was actually interviewed as an agnostic theist for an article and found it a bit hard to truly explain my position.

Though the local UU Church was not as vibrant and welcoming as my previous one, I found community in the Wright State Freethought Group.  This group was great for in depth conversations about science, religion, skepticism, and humanism.  Through our discussions I examined my belief in god more and more.  I realized that none of my beliefs required the supernatural.  "We are all connected: to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically," as Neil deGrasse Tyson stated.  I didn't need god to be or feel connected to the universe, because I already was atomically connected to the universe.   The atoms in my body came from a star that died.  It is true that a sun died for my existence.  The more I learned about what is true the less I needed the concept of god to explain it.  I came out to myself and to everyone at a Secular Student Alliance Conference.  There was supposed to be a lecture about from a Black Athiest group but the speaker didn't show up.  I figured I could moderate a discussion about diversity in atheism, and I introduced myself as a Black Athiest.

I realized that this was true.  While I did not know if there was a god still (agnostic), I no longer believed there was one (atheist).  I later came out to my parents as non-christian for the above reasons I figured out years ago. While my father questioned me, he ultimately understood (especially when we discussed the Job story). My mother (the good reverend) pretty much ignored it.  I didn't really discuss my beliefs with the rest of the family. My siblings knew I didn't go to church regularly.  Only my brother had great contention with this; my sisters were accepting.  Given the high religiosity of many of my cousins I didn't want to get into a session of "come back to Jesus," or start any prayer circles.  Mostly I didn't want to worry them or create more separation between us.  Church is such an integral part of the Black American community and culture, that leaving seems unthinkable.  I still appreciate a good choir, and miss the support that one feels in the church.  I also appreciate all the leadership skills I learned through church.  However I couldn't continue to state belief in something I did not just for the community.

My friends were still of all faiths and backgrounds and our house in medical school became a safe haven for a friend of mine who was muslim.  However it did make when the surgeons wanted to pray before surgery awkward, and it made me annoyed when they thanked god at the end of surgery and ignored the fact that I held a retractor for the last hour.  The hardest time I had was when I went to Swaziland my last year of medical school.  I did not realize the group we were going with were Christian . . . Very Christian. . . like showing "Passion of the Christ" in the mobile clinic Christian.  This was very difficult for me and my muslim friend.  The group did not want her to pray in an area where people of the community could see when in our mobile clinic, "they [the Swazi] might get confused."  --not condescending at all right? -  We were not to answer if people asked us about our faith directly.  The colleagues we traveled with were christian and soon started having conversations without us after the first night when an open discussion did not end up the way that they desired.  I ended up losing a friend on the trip because she could see my point of view and I made her "doubt too much."  This experience reaffirmed the type of international medicine I did NOT want to participate in.  No one should be required to pray or watch "Passion of the Christ" to get medical care.  They also participated in just giving things to communities rather than helping communities build for themselves.   It also helped me solidify my place with muslims as the most hated group of people in the US.


Then to Now

Somebody once told me
The world was going to roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb
in the shape of an L on her forehead
Well
The years start coming
And they don't stop comming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but you head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
so what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow  - Smash Mouth 1999

So that's the main part of the story. I am an agnostic atheist.  I am also a humanist, a freethinker, a scientist, a Black American Woman, a Brown Girl with Curly hair, a friend, a wife, a doctor and lots of other things.   I had an AMAZING wedding including multiple traditions that didn't mention god at all, and my family didn't seem to notice.  --Well my mother did complain later that she was not allowed to pray over us, but I didn't hear anything else -- I went to residency down south in North Carolina and joined a Humanist group.  Life proceeded as normal.  Though I didn't go to church I did find Sunday afternoon naps sacred and enjoyed them when my resident schedule allowed. It was not until my behavioral health fellowship that I realized it was easier to talk to colleagues about being a bisexual atheist than my family.  This seemed wrong.  I wrote a Facebook post about it which my friends responded with support and my family was silent.  I gave a talk about my faith to non-faith journey at the humanist group which became the basis of this blog.  Now living in California religion seems much less crucial than it did in North Carolina.  If "the family" is going to church I still go as a part of my culture.  I send positive thoughts and energy as well as asking if there are actual things to help when people ask for prayers.  When people say they are praying for me, I note the fact that they wish me well.  Though it's been a long journey I'm still the same me.

I can change my socks
And I can change my hat
And I can even change my mind
I can pretend to be anything
But I'm still the same me on the inside

I imagine I can fly like an eagle in the sky
I can dream I'm a big ole tiger
When I open my eyes
It's no surprise
I'm still the same me on the inside

Happy me, Fussy me
The me that gets tired and sleepy
Mommy and Daddy love me as I am
'Cause I'm still the same me on the inside

My imagination takes me anywhere       (My travels have taken me far)
From Africa to Australia                         (From Africa to Asia . . . Austria, Honduras etc. )
I'm an ancient king or a movie queen     (Dancing on the beach in Ghana to the clubs in Kolkata)
And I'm still the same me on the inside

I can wear a frown or a magical face
I can make believe I'm a lion
When I go out of bed and close my eyes
I'm still the same me on the inside

Scary me, hungry me,                           (These may be the same person)
The me that needs a nightlight
My best friend loves me as I am
'Cause I'm still the same me on the inside

The universe is a wonderful place         (This is 100% true)
And there's no thing I can't try
Happiness is when I do my best
Still the same me on the inside

Quiet me, Cranky me
The me that sings off-key
I'm growing me and I'm feeling free
Still the same me on the inside

Still the great me on the inside
Loving who I am on the inside
Loving who I am on the inside
I'm still the same me on the inside
YES!  -- Sweet Honey in the Rock 2000

Also this is just one of my favorite positive videos 

My Faith to Non Faith Journey - Part I

I honestly have been back and forth on this particular blog entry even though it was specifically requested. I know religion discussions can get very emotional and isolating.  But after recently listening to the Ebony Exodus Project, I was re-inspired to share my story.  This is loosely based off of a talk I gave in 2014 to the Asheville Humanist Group.  I actually sang the songs that start each section. And just FYI  -- This is super long and written over several sessions.  Here is part I

Early Life -- 

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so -  Written by Anna Bartlett Warner 1860

I grew up in the church.  My family went every Sunday to the (Black) United Methodist Church in Milford, OH.  Between the ages of 5-10 I was in the church building at least 3 days a week.  Every Sunday morning for 9am Sunday School 11am church service and until my Mother stopped talking.  One of my first public performances was standing on a table in front of the congregation when I was 3-5yrs old singing "Jesus Loves Me."  Though it could've been "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam;" my 5 year-old memory is hazy.  Apparently before I was born (there is a 8 year gap between me and my closest sister, so I heard this phrase a lot) there were times when we stayed home if someone was sick.  There were rare times when we would have Sunday breakfast and skip Sunday school.  But most every Sunday we were in the pews.  Wednesday nights were choir rehearsals and Saturdays were committee meetings.  I would spend Saturday afternoons watching The Greatest Adventure and playing with The Whole Amor of God.  If there were other kids at the committee meetings we would lay under the tables in the choir room (it had carpet) and play astronaut, play Red Light- Green Light, Mother May I, or just make up funny songs and dances.

I was very aware of expectations and did my best to live up to them.  Which is pretty easy when you are 5.  A little less easy when I was 7-10yrs old.  According to Sexual Behavior in the Human Female  I am on the early part of the curve when it comes to starting masturbate.  All of sudden Sunday School songs become more sinister and shamey.  "Be careful little hands what you do. Be careful little hands what you do.  Because the father up above is looking down on you with love.  Be careful little hands what you do."  All of a sudden everything I did was a sin.  According to Ravi Zacharias, one of the preachers we would sometimes listen to while driving home from Sunday Dinner with grandmother, anything that glorified the flesh and not God was a sin.  I didn't feel that playing outside really glorified God.  Plus you start learning all about unforgivable sins and that's another stressor.  The fact that I was an anxious kid probably didn't help.  I did my best to do what was expected of me.  I was: in children's choir, an acolyte, leader of the children's story.  I didn't question much, and one day when my best church friend told me to "go up there" during an alter call I did.

Age of Reason--

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.  - Written by Dan Schutte 1981.

Around 10-11 years old is when I started getting in to the politics, philosophy and history of being a United Methodist.  One reason was my confirmation into the church.  But this is also the age that my mother went to seminary to start her Masters of Divinity.  I would sometimes go to her classes and look through her books.  My Methodist upbringing did a pretty good job of instilling the need to educate ones-self about the Bible.  I knew there were different translations and would sometimes read from my mother's Strong's Concordance of the Bible which discusses different translations of different parts.  It was a big thing when our church changed from the New King James version to the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. I admit I would sometimes parrot what I heard our preacher say in my mother's classes, but I was getting oohs and ahhs from the adults so I still felt good about it.  I knew we were founded by John Wesley who had some very different views than his other Protestant colleagues.

I started going to Connections, which was a United Methodist Church Arts Camp for 1 week over the summer.  Teens could major in liturgical dance, drama, song, christian clowning, preaching and audio visual.  There were minors in miming, banner making, American Sign Language and poetry. Connections was for High schoolers but my mom was a counselor so I got to go for the first time when I was 10 and it was my sister's last year.  Ages 12-17 I went to Connections Every summer. It was one of the highlights of my summer.  Though we progressed from hiding in the basement reading "Song of Solomon" and giggling about the dirty parts of the bible, to hiding on the 3rd floor and mixing drinks during FOYOB (Feet On Your Own Bunk), we were all pretty good kids.   Unlike the stories my sister told, no one was pregnant after our Connections Weeks.  Connections was all about a loving God and loving one another.  There was a Designated Hugger and that is where I got my Doctorate of Hugs. There was Jerry who was one of the counselors who was gay and had AIDS and we loved him anyway.  It was at connections where I felt God.  We were all gathered together one evening after dinner and I knew that everyone in that room loved me.  It felt like my skin was buzzing and I was warm all over.  Connections started one year before my Brother went in 1983 and ended one year after I left in 1999.  This is honestly a bit of a tragedy. 

Around 10-12 is also when I started going to the Annual Conference.  Methodist are - Method-ists so every year they get together and create the "Book of Recommendations" which every church should do.  It was at annual conference that I heard people debating whether you could call God, Sophia, or is this a separate entity.  Should the Methodist Church apologize for their participation in slavery or table it for another year?  Should openly gay people be allowed to be ordained and lead a church?  Like the translations of the Bible I realized that all these decisions were just made by people and some pretty flawed decisions could be made that were not based in love.

The Teen Years - - 

Listen as the day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
--
Harald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Trying to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Other's have a different view
My oh my, yeah, yeah, yeah - Written by Des'ree 1994

Growing up in Cincinnati I always had people of different faiths around me.  In my kindergarten we celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas as well as Easter and Passover.  I loved mythology and read Greek, Roman and Egyption myths through middle school.   I often babysat for the Jewish couple next door on the Holy days and got Matzah Ball Soup as a part of my payment.  The year wasn't complete until I had gone to Synagogue and Mass at least once.   My best friend in high school was raised both Hindu and Catholic which added a whole new set of deities to start to understand.  One of the hardest concepts for me in Christianity was "The Great Commission."

This felt more like "Go out into the world and tell them that everyone else is wrong."  At this point I had been to too many Seders and Shabbats to feel that this was the right action.  It became more complicated when I started to go to Navratri and Diwali celebrations as well.  My mother had started her time as a associate minister at a large suburban mostly white church.   The senior minister often preached on Grace, but this seemed to directly contradict other parts of the Bible.  By auditing some of the confirmation classes at the new church where we discussed the differences between Methodists, Catholics,  Muslims and Quakers.   This brought up more questions than answers.


They all deserve to die.
Tell you why Mrs Lovett, Tell you why.
'Cause the life of the wicked should be made brief,
For the rest of us death will be a relief  - Stephen Sondheim "Sweeney Todd- Epiphany" 1979

Love's in need of Love today
Don't delay send yours in right away
Hate's going 'round breaking many hearts
Stop it please before it's gone too far. - Stevie Wonder,  Love's in Need of Love Today 1967

Junior & Senior Year

My Junior and Senior year were marked with an uptick in religious events and activities.  At this point I was pretty sure this was just to try to keep all the hormones in check.  Which wasn't really a problem with my group of friends.  I had Connections as I did for one week in the summer and it was still a wonderful comforting place.  Though at this point it was more for the bonds I had with the other campers than anything else.  Escaping during FOYOB (Feet on your own bunk, AKA when the counselors were napping or meeting) to go the top floor of the dorm and hang out talking about geeky things and deciding if we were brave enough to mix drinks.  We were not.

My mother was also getting a Masters in Religious Communication as well as her Masters in Divinity.   At this point I was reading and editing her papers as well as critiquing her sermons on a regular basis.  An interesting thing happens when you being to critique religious writings; you start really looking at everything with a critical eye.  I already loved science and the scientific method since the age 8.  I began to see more contradictions and less coherency in the bible as well as its teachings.  Aside from trying to keep my mother from using SNAFU and FUBAR in sermons (She didn't know they were acronyms that included curses), I started to listen to everyone's sermons and see lack of context and cherry picking.  These careful listening skills and critique skills would continue to help me in my scientific reading and writing as well as make me really critical of what people of faith said and did.

There was also UN/DC a biannual event where the West Ohio Conference of United Methodist Youth took a trip to either NY or DC to talk about an international or national issue.  Our year we went to DC stayed in Dupont Circle and talked about "Sexuality A-Z."   This was actually an amazing trip.  We got to hang out at some youth centers and had multiple sessions which really made us figure out what our definitions of sex and sexuality were.  We also saw some "Transformation Gay" programs and I noted how they would condemn someone in one verse but disregard the verse afterward that said they should not cut their sideburns.   They clearly cherry-picked the bible to justify cruelty and hate.   I definitely understood why people in the GLBT community (now GLBTQIA) would leave religion.

My senior year I also was able to go to Chrysalis.  This is a teen version of an adult retreat called "Walk to Emmaus."  It was three days of bible study and self reflection.  Doing different parts of the weekend you were to write down a character trait or sin.  Nail it to a cross and then they were burned as a symbol of Jesus taking on this burden.  One of the last days we walked through the church which was lined with people holding candles and were given a box of letters from friends and family to read while meditating in front of the cross now clean of all the nails.

--- So this could've been a powerful experience if I hadn't been to Connections so may times.  I really felt like this 3 day weekend was trying to fabricate a feeling that did not come up organically.  I had never met these people and had little connection to them.  I liked receiving the letters but the knowledge that all these people were depending on me to have some change or new commitment was uncomfortable.  There are also people praying for you each hour of the weekend which I also found stressful.  (Actually we know that people who know they are prayed for tend to fair worse in healthcare.) It was around now that I started to come up with my Purple Blanket concept.  Since technically God is neither male nor female, I saw God as a warm Purple blanket that comforts and covers me in time of need.  I articulated this to one of my Mother's Prayer Group friends and she seemed quite dismayed, but this seemed to match the most with what I felt.  I pretty much tabled the whole Jesus thing until later.  I mean Pascal's Wager is still a thing right.


College -

Here come the sun, little Darling
Here comes the sun
and I say
It's alright.
Little Darling,
It's been a long cold lonely winter
and
Little Darling
It feels like years since it's been here
but
Here comes the sun.  -Written by George Harrison 1969, as performed by Nina Simone 1971

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I look to the children, I drank from the fountain.
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line,
And the less I seek my source for some definitive,
The closer I am to fine.  - Indigo Girls 1989

College was interesting.  For the first time in my life I didn't have someone waking me up and taking me to church.  By the time I came along (8 years difference between my sibs and I) church every Sunday was a given.  We would go even if I or one of us was sick.  Apparently this didn't happen according all the time when they were young according to the lore of my older sibs.  Now, I did have a cousin who was in Seminary also at Emory.  The deal was if he picked me up for church I got a Sunday Dinner after.  Who would say no to Sunday dinner?  He was doing his student preaching at a Disciples of Christ Church.  I knew a lot of denominations, but this one was new to me.  This one had way less tests.  Rather than having to prove your baptism (Methodist) and by a certain way (Baptist) and taken classes (Catholics), you just have to say you believe in Jesus and you are in.   "No creed but Christ" is often what they say.  They were much more on the Grace and Love train.

For part of Freshman year I was apart of the Gospel Choir "Voices" at Emory.  We visited many churches which I found questionable (an armchair on the pulpit, or only pictures of the founder in the sanctuary).  It also seemed another place where there was a lot of performance.  Students would whip themselves into a frenzy crying and singing at the rehearsals.  That just wasn't me, or some of my friends luckily.   The same folks who would whip into a frenzy were also the same ones being questionable at the frat party on Saturday night.  The whole thing seemed again another way to keep young people out of trouble, with rehearsal on Friday night and Sunday morning engagements.  It was a bit of a scandal if you were seen at the Frat party Saturday night but didn't come to the engagement Sunday morning.   Again, it seemed performative.

I also got involved with some of the Youth programs there now as a leader.  I found that the "Adults" didn't really seem to have an understanding of what Youth needed.  One time assisting in a youth program in Cincinnati I felt like I was batting clean up after everything the actual minister said.  He was harping on about obedience to God and your parents (basically lecturing these church youth).  I had to come up after and note that God could be a source of love, comfort and protection when you feel like it is not coming from anywhere else (Purple Blanket concept).  Sometime between Freshman year and Sophomore year my cousin realized that I fell asleep in church a lot and he said it was okay to stay home.  He also graduated and I did help out at his church occasionally.

But over all going to church just didn't seem that important for me.  I would go to my mother's church in the summer so she felt supported.  I would go help with my cousin's church to support him.  But it wasn't really apart of my practice  I was pre-med, Neuroscience and Behavioral Biology major, Anthro minor and almost had a second minor in dance.  I was pretty busy.  The religious critique skills I picked up from going through seminary from my mother led me to question and often disregard some of the religious teachings around me.  I also was introduced to yoga and meditation by this point.  These I could do on my own time and in my own way.  Similar to connections it was about the people, not the actual religion or faith.  I was very comfortable with my warm purple blanket concept.

Well that's all for part I.  Next time - Peace Corps, India,  more education and the ongoing journey. 

If you haven't heard some of these songs -  check them out.